I lay awake at 1:30 a.m.  My smart phone rested in my hands.  Already I had laughed through all the YouTube clips by Anita Renfroe that I could find.  They were super fun and it felt so good to laugh.  Refreshing.  Yet my soul still cried out unsatisfied.

Hours earlier my husband and I were engaged in a bedtime battle with our boys.  Our nerves were frayed as quiet finally settled into our home.   At about 10 p.m. I comforted myself with a plate of mac & cheese and began journaling.  Processing emotions has become an important part of managing my chronic pain and its complications.  Not easy work, though.

The laughter that followed was definitely called for, yet I had watched too long.  Guilt and worry crowded in on my fun as I realized I would be ill equipped to handle the boys without adequate rest.  And I’d done it to myself.

Nevertheless I plodded on and happened upon a Beth Moore clip next.  Again I was laughing as Beth told a story.  I had to stifle gurgling giggles so the boys would remain asleep!  Her story was of a time she was in a motel lobby, in a foreign country, when there was a total blackout.  She was terrified.  Every noise set her further on edge.  Then she heard strong footfalls behind her.  She almost jumped out of her skin but managed to gulp out, “Here I am.  I am right here.  Here I am.”  It was her husband who called out to her in the darkness.  “Baby, it’s me.  You just stand right there.  I’m gonna come get you.”

In a surprising instant my belly-rumbling giggles turned to gut-twisting sobs.  My heart got the message God was speaking to me.  In my heart I walked with her in the darkness.  Her hands trembled and flailed until at last they rested on the one who loved her.  He had come to her.  She felt secure.  They would find their way together.

I pushed the Home key on my phone. The clock read 1:40 a.m.  I didn’t begin another search.  (Sadly, there are times I keep going, even after receiving comfort.)  Instead I set it aside and closed my eyes.

My heart was finally satisfied.


Photo credit: Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net