After my husband and I got married, we found out some devastating medical news. For us, the item in question was huge to us, and something we were looking forward to. To others, it was something that could be fixed, or wasn’t important in the grand scheme of things.
We were told we couldn’t have sex. Or have any children naturally.
Everyone we talked to had silver linings to throw at us. In the dimmest moments of our lives, most of the community we had surrounded ourselves with didn’t make many efforts to walk in our worn-out shoes or put on lenses to see the world through our devastated eyes. We were just told “there are other ways to love” or that “it is all part of God’s plan.”
I was confused. I truly didn’t believe a God I loved so much would want to see me suffer, would want to take away our newlywed glow. He created this act of intimacy, and for people to throw His name around so carelessly as a “reason” or supposed “encouragement” disgusted me.
I have never had depression. But after the news, I fell – hard. I experienced things I can’t even wrap my head around to relate to you on this post. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain of the loss to just end, and the only way it could was if I didn’t exist. I wanted children. I wanted intimacy with the man I love so deeply. I felt the deepest inadequacy you could imagine. Useless… Broken… Nothing.
Everyone feels differently. No symptoms of depression are the same for every individual. My husband expressed his depression in sadness and gloominess, as if he were Eeyore. Accepting his fate for the miserable existence it was. Some people feel slow ocean waves, sad and endless, floating with no escape. They don’t want to do anything, they’ve lost all hope, and they don’t feel like they should or can make any moves to a better future. It’s overwhelming. And can be completely debilitating. Some people over-excite and over-exert themselves, suppressing their depression. They are in every activity, they laugh, they talk, they go over-the-top, but at night before they fall asleep they anxiously replay their days and it all comes crashing down. And some, like me, are angry and emotional, grasping and drowning and yelling.
And crying. I cried what seemed like every day. As I sat through classes, I pretended to smile, but I could feel the tears wetting my eyelids. I tried to talk to an array of trusted people, desperately trying to find and cling to some sort of understanding or empathy. Nobody understood. The gravity of our predicament didn’t seem to weigh on anyone else. But I was dying under the weight of the world crashing down around me.
I am a generally happy person, often I’ve been told my enthusiasm for life is contagious. But I was dark after the news. Everything was dark. I felt the evil of the world all around me. I screamed with frustration a lot. I cried some more. It felt like I’d cry so much no tears could ever drop again, surely I had dried up the well of sadness.
I had never felt grief so painfully and deeply. I had never felt like I had just lost everything I hoped for in life. I felt sick all the time. It was hard to accept, essentially, a doomed or cursed marriage. I didn’t want that for my husband. I didn’t want that for me.
Thankfully, we saw a lot of specialists, we went through months-long processes, and we prayed a whole lot, and our predicament was reversed. We are okay now, and have the hope of a family in the future. This stage, this depression, is the toughest of all. It is the most excruciating and unbearable, and it seems like there will be no end. So it is tough to give any sort of direction, advice, or encouragement.
All I can say is don’t blame God, and do not blame yourself. There is only one being responsible for the worst possible despicable situations, and that is the devil himself. He is the cause of hurt and searing pain. You have to remember that you are important and you are loved. Remember that is ok to be angry, to argue, and even to be depressed, because this will lead to healing, and it will have some sort of end. My ending happened to be a great one, and some endings may be a little smaller, but things do get better, even if ever so slightly. Love those around you deeply. Find things you can immerse yourself in and will fill you with the slightest joy, though it may be hard. Stay healthy, keep your relationship with God (even if you feel like yelling at Him and asking why), and above all:
Remember, you are enough.