The P.K. Cliche’
I was raised in the Adventist Church. I have a degree in haystacks and hand bells.
I grew up with things like Mission Spotlight, vespers, potluck, AY reading lists, Ellen White, and Bible board games.
I didn’t get into trouble, and I could have been described as a “goody-goody” by my public school classmates. I made it to every church youth function, and did what was right every chance I got.
So, why would I leave the church?
It’s a question that is plaguing our churches. Kids (even pastor’s kids) are raised in the church, attend Adventist academies almost exclusively, and oftentimes college as well. They participate in church services, community services, choirs, missions, and praise groups. They know every hymn they grew up with; they know how to pray. So where are they going?
Though I’ve had a slightly different upbringing than those described above, I found myself seriously lacking in the spiritual department as I reached adulthood.
I knew the Adventist doctrinal beliefs. I knew how to pray, how to study the Bible with concordance, commentary, and lexicon. I knew how to learn about God, and that to have a relationship with Him, to grow, I had to “read [my] Bible, pray everyday.”
The Real World Is Mean
As I said already, I attended public schools for most of my education. I attended an Adventist academy for first and second grades, and then public schools until college graduation. Might I have had a different experience had I gone to academy? Possibly. It might have even been a better experience. Even having gone to public schools, befriending “worldly” children, and having worldly experiences, when I grew up and met the real world, it was a shock to say the least.
Knowing God in a Petri Dish
As I grew into a young woman, I realized quickly that my relationship with God had been one in a controlled environment. As a cell can grow into an embryo in a “test tube” or petri dish, so I grew into a relationship with God. Just as no harm can come to the embryo, so there was no real test of my faith or relationship with God. When I grew up and moved out of my family’s home I realized something shocking. The real world is harsh and Godless. The net that my church, family, and friends had established for me as a child was no longer present, and for the first time in my life I had to depend on God completely.
I felt let down.
Real World Lies
When I was about 13 I had my first drink of alcohol. At the time I was so naive (and confused about my relationship with God) that I cried myself to sleep for weeks, sure I was doomed to hell. Imagine! A 13 year-old girl with straight As, who sings praise songs in church each week, prays every chance she gets, and reaches out to others around her, crying herself to sleep, afraid she’s going to hell.
That was me.
I don’t remember when I realized that there was more to salvation than sin=hellfire, but at some point I did. I do remember the first time I experienced God’s grace and forgiveness in a very real way when I was 22 years old. That is nine years of my young life, spent in a spiritual roller coaster in which I can recall multiple “downs”, and very few “ups”.
When I was 21 I experienced a divorce following an abusive marriage, which was the culmination of my spiritual downspin. When I divorced my first husband, I came to the truth that Eve had encountered by the serpent in the garden: “you shall not surely die” he said. No, my issue was not “life or death”, but it was just like drinking alcohol at 13.
I may have thought I was going to hell for that sin, but I didn’t. I definitely had that feeling while filing for divorce at my young age as well. I felt I had done my worse, and yet had lived. What else could I do?
The lies of the serpent had entangled my heart, and my flesh was winning the battle over my spirit.
Leaving the Church
Ironically enough, during the darkest part of my walk with (or away from) God, I never stopped attending church each week. I showed up every Saturday morning, sat in my usual pew, and talked to people as I always had. I came to church in a drunken stupor for several weeks of the summer following my divorce, but still I came.
They probably could’ve asked me to leave, and I’d have obliged. But what they didn’t know, and what I didn’t understand at the time, is that I had already left the church.
Christ the Cornerstone
In Ephesians we are given a picture of the church, with Christ as cornerstone, holding up the walls, keeping the building steady. If Christ is the cornerstone of the church, I can rightly say that in my darkest hour, I wanted nothing to do with Jesus or what he wanted for me.
If the church is the bride of Christ as scripture says in Revelation, then I was furthest from the church, as I was cheating heartily on Christ with my own selfish ways.
Why am I rehashing these painful and ugly truths about myself? Who is this going to help?
When I Left the Church
My church family never once asked me to leave. When I wanted to help in some way, they let me. When I showed up and ended up sitting on the back steps smoking cigarettes through the whole service no one asked me to leave. When I wore jeans the day I was supposed to do Children’s Story, no one said a word. When I showed up to church with a stranger, and soon ended up with an unplanned pregnancy, no one asked me to leave and they welcomed him with open arms.
Do you know what they did? They prayed for me. I’m sure of all of them, my mom prayed for me the most. She probably prayed until her heart broke.
I don’t know who all was praying, and I don’t know what they asked God for–maybe someday I’ll ask Him. All I know is that during the darkest time in my life I couldn’t stop attending church. As if my life depended upon it, I kept going, and if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be in the church today.
I tell people that my parents taught me to get my toosh to church each Sabbath, but I’ve realized that’s not why I went. I know why I attended. It’s because when I left the church, the church hadn’t left me.
When I left God, God hadn’t left me.
Opened Eyes
Church membership or attendance is more than just that–membership and attendance. There may be people attending church who don’t want to be there, who don’t know why they’re there, and feel unwanted there. There may be people at church who fight with themselves through the whole service, telling themselves it will be the last time. Next week they may not be there. And when they stop coming, it’s easier the next week, and the next. Pretty soon they realize they don’t have to fight themselves. Pretty soon they start believing the lies of the serpent, and they may end up walking in their darkest hour without the church’s help.
I’m so blessed to have walked through that time in my life with a loving church family, and I hope to be able to help someone through their own darkness.
I challenge you to ask God to use you for such a feat. Throughout the Bible God used people to accomplish His will. Could He do these things on His own? Yes, but how powerful it is to help another person on earth! Open your eyes to the people around you, to the person in the pew near you. Everyone is going through something, and they may need you to walk with them.
I was reading this blog to your dad when I had to stop and compose myself. I was crying because I have been there. I kept going to church even though I was hurting and angry and felt unworthy. I would go through all the motions; stand, open hymnal, move my mouth. I love to sing but during that time, no happy sounds could come out. I couldn’t stand the sound of the pastor’s voice and it didn’t matter who was speaking. I realize now that I was able to keep going because I was also raised in the church and it was something you did on Sabbath. I was going for God because I couldn’t go for myself. I was comfortable in church even while having turmoil in my life.
I was crying because I began to think of all my church family members who stop going physically. I continually invite them to church because that is what worked for me. I believe I have been thinking that going to church will make everything ok in the end. I have been saving the majority of my love and support for ‘when they came back’. I have been continually and relentlessly inviting them to church which probably has made them feel even worse. I have been going on my past experiences where it turned out ok when I just kept going. I have been thinking that my loved ones didn’t want to be helped. Didn’t want God. When, in reality, they want Him and need Him as much as I ever did.
I was crying because I realize my church family members who have stopped going to church need a Savior whether they are sitting in a pew on Sabbath morning or not.
I need to lead them to Jesus not back to church.
When we realize how Jesus died for our sins, how we are all unworthy sinners (all in the same boat), how His death was good enough to cover those sins, it is a huge weight lifted off our hearts. He has Grace enough for even me.
I will continue to pray for my church family. I will now pray that God will use me to gently lead the missing family members to Him; the One who can give real Peace and Joy.
Thank you, Rachel!
I needed that!
Awesome read my dear. I think I met you about the end of all of that. 🙂 its funny how even though the situations are difderent, the feelings are the same. Good job darlin’!
Well, I was not raised in the SDA church, but was raised Catholic and Episcopalian. t was back in June of 2012 I was baptized, 8 months after my husband of 35 years died. There was a most compassionate pastor back then and then he moved and we got a lay pastor, who is not compassionate in the least, and more than willing to admit that fact. I was embarrassed and lied to by this pastor and it was over and over again. The last pastor that we had even told him that he needed to change his the way he was doing things. Even so, he continued in his ways. Then I had the head elder refused to pray for me, as I was sitting there at a Bible study class. Long story short, I left the denomination because of the way I was treated by this particular church, who also treated the last pastor terribly. I don’t really dislike the denomination, but I tried to get help from the conference and was refused. One can’t continue being treated like I was and then expected to help and want to be in church. Anyway, I haven’t given up on God at all. I did give up on the church and I don’t plan on stepping foot in another church.
Elaine, I’m so sorry to hear about your negative experience with the church. Admittedly, every church, denomination, and religion is going to have it’s flaws. We may strive to be like Jesus, but our institutions are led by imperfect human beings. I’m so glad that you haven’t given up on God, though. The relationship you have with Jesus is more important than anything. He can heal the hurt you felt by the church, and he won’t leave you. I pray he works in your life and in the lives of those around you and those you mentioned in your comment. I hope you continue to read our blogs and articles and I’m glad you shared your story with me.