Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. —Maya Angelou
When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. —Job 2:11-13, NLT
For seven days they did the best they could.
Do you know someone who is suffering with heavy grief? You can piece together a few things to care for them by examining the good things that Job’s friends did for him.
- They showed up.
- They respected his feelings.
- They participated in his suffering.
- They kept their counsel in silence.
- They brought peace through presence.
- They showed respect by recognizing Job’s pain without using words.
The value of understanding
You can put these principles into practice in a number of ways. Let me tell you how I might practice care with the grieving. I would start by looking at the type of grieving they might be experiencing. Was a child stillborn and the mother seems despondent and hopeless? Did an older mother lose her 30 year old son to a heart illness or a drug overdose? Did a husband lie in bed with his wife as she took her last breaths, dying from cancer?
These all have slightly different kinds of grief attached to them. And they may require slightly different care. The stillborn child will never live to shine in this world. The son that dies too early may leave the mother or father bewildered as to why he was not permitted to continue in this life. The husband who loses his wife has lost a great companion and friend as well as lover and respecter of his heart.
Knowing these differences does not make it easier for you to cure their grief. No one can do that really. But it might make it easier to understand their grief. To be sure, you can never really feel what someone else feels and it is often unwise to say, “I know how you’re feeling,” because you probably don’t. I think the best thing your understanding can do for you is to help YOU feel less anxious about the care you provide and in turn help you to be a better caregiver.
Practical ways to offer comfort
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do or say when I entered into hospice chaplaincy. I was a bit nervous actually. I soon discovered the value of presence, music, Scripture, especially the Psalms that the grieving can identify with, even well timed and well placed humor. I had to be extra careful with humor for obvious reasons and sometimes humor was completely out of place. I had one patient though that would prepare for my visits by practicing a joke on his wife and tell it to me when I showed up. And then I would have to tell him a joke in return. In fact, he told me that I would only be allowed to tell funny stories and jokes at his funeral. I told three funny stories as he demanded and it made for the most memorable celebration. Just be extra careful with humor— almost never start a conversation trying to be funny or clever, but keep your eye out for signs that it may be useful at some point.
I took all these things and put them into my chaplain’s tool box, you might say. A small Bible with well chosen passages, a harmonica that could play over a 100 hymns that were as comforting as Scripture to many older church goers, a collection of poems and a few small, short books or booklets and some aspect of loss and hope. Perhaps I’ll outline those in another post, but for now, it might be better if you find your own and learn how to use them as Maya Angelou suggested, doing the best you can and then learning to do better.
Two texts to share as we finish up this year, The 23rd Psalm and Philippians 3:20, 21. I would pick up the book A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller. Read that two or three times and let the 23rd Psalm become your constant companion and you will never run out of encouragement for the grieving. Then spend some time in Paul’s magnificent chapter on hope in Philippians 3 and you will be much wiser in God’s plan for our forever friendship with Him.
