Recently, we have witnessed a chilling surge of domestic violence. Women’s lives taken at a staggering rate, at the hands of the men who once claimed to love them forever. These are not isolated tragedies. They are part of a relentless, global pattern of violence that continues to hide in plain sight.
A female pastor, murdered by her husband. A Florida vice mayor, killed in her own home. A registered nurse gunned down in the ICU by her estranged husband. The list goes on and on. Former public servants, community leaders, mothers, daughters—women whose titles, accomplishments, and visibility could not shield them from by death by the hands of those who once vowed to love them forever. These stories are not exceptions. They are evidence of a truth we are often too uncomfortable to confront: domestic violence does not discriminate.
It crosses every boundary we try to place around it.
It lives in every zip code.
It infiltrates every profession.
It sits in pews, stands behind pulpits, walks into boardrooms, and hides behind curated social media smiles.
It affects women of every race, every income level, every educational background, every faith.
No title grants immunity. No platform guarantees safety.
Now, here’s what people often forget about abusers in domestic violence, it’s their choice. Violence is always a choice.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline,
“Domestic violence is not a loss of control; it is a pattern of controlling behaviors.”
Let that sit.
Because too many christian women were raised on a version of love that told us to shrink, to stay, to survive quietly. We were taught that holiness looked like silence. That endurance was the same as obedience. That if we just prayed harder, submitted deeper, loved longer… he would change.
But what if I told you—that’s not Bible and it sure wasn’t the attitude of Jesus?
The abused is never responsible for the behavior of the abuser.
Jesus never partnered with abuse.
He never excused oppression.
He never asked the wounded to stay where they were being wounded.
We need to say this out loud, together, until it breaks every chain of confusion:
We are not called to tolerate torment in the name of love.
Some of us have been hit.
Some of us have been handled harshly—gripped, shoved, restrained, intimidated.
Some of us have been torn down with words—“you’re crazy,” “you’re too much,” “no one else would want you.”
Some of us have been spiritually suffocated—Scripture twisted to trap us, submission used as a weapon, silence preached as holiness.
Whether it’s physical, emotional or spiritual abuse, it’s wrong. It’s all abuse. All real. All devastating.
And none of it—none of it—is your fault.
We need to get honest about what’s happening right now in our society and in our churches. In the U.S., 1 in 4 women experience severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime. Nearly every week, women are being killed by current or former partners. And yes—even in the church. Studies show that domestic abuse rates in Christian communities mirror those in the general population.
This is not just “out there.”
This is in our homes. Our pews.
Our pulpits. Our schools.
And still, too many women are told:
“Stay.”
“Pray.”
“Submit.”
“Don’t ruin his reputation.”
“God hates divorce more than abuse.”
No. That is not the gospel—that is control dressed up in Scripture.
Because the same Jesus who said “love your neighbor” also flipped tables when power was abused.
The same Jesus who healed the broken also rebuked the ones breaking them.
The same Jesus who forgave freely also walked away freely.
He saw manipulation and He named it.
He saw hypocrisy and He exposed it.
He saw hardened hearts and He did not chase them.
And hear this clearly:
He will not ask you to stay in a place He is trying to deliver you from.
Because love is never harsh or violent
Love never shames or silences
Love is not unstable, explosive, unpredictable.
Love is not inflexible.
Love is patient.
Love is gentle.
Love is emotionally regulated.
If he “loses control” and hits you, that is not a mistake. That is a pattern.
If he tears you down and calls it truth, that is not “spiritual leadership.” That is abuse.
If he uses God to keep you stuck—that is not “faith.” That is spiritual manipulation.
And it’s time that we are done calling dysfunction devotion.
Listen—walking away is not weakness.
Walking away is wisdom.
Jesus walked away from people who were committed to misunderstanding Him.
Jesus stayed silent when engagement would only empower abuse.
Jesus guarded His energy, His mission and His peace.
Jesus always defended the oppressed and He never protected the oppressor.
So, if Jesus came to set captives free and liberate those who are oppressed, why are some Christian’s still teaching women to bleed for relationships that are killing them?
We don’t owe anyone access to us at the cost of our safety.
We don’t owe anyone explanations for choosing life over loyalty to harm.
We don’t owe abusers our endurance.
We owe ourselves safety and honesty.
We owe ourselves protection.
We owe ourselves the kind of love that does not require us to disappear.
And for the women reading this who feel trapped in an abusive situation-financially, emotionally, spiritually—I see you.
Leaving is not always instant.
But it starts with acknowledging the truth.
Don’t allow shame to silence you.
Tell someone safe.
Get help to make a strategic plan.
Document what’s happening.
Reach out—to a hotline, a friend, a counselor, a church leader who actually understands abuse.
And for those of us who are not in it right now—we speak up.
We stop protecting abusers with our silence.
We stop spiritualizing suffering that God never ordained.
We become safe places for women to land, not places that send them back into harm.
To the women who can’t leave yet, we are praying for your strength and your protection.
We are raising our voices for you and to you.
Remember,
“You deserve safety.”
“You deserve tenderness.”
“You deserve peace.”
“You deserve a love that doesn’t make you afraid.”
And we will say it again.
And again.
And again—until it drowns out every lie you’ve been told.
You are not too much.
You are not hard to love.
You are not the reason he hurts you.
You are worthy—fully, fiercely, without condition—of a love that feels like safety, not survival. You were made to live in harmony, safety and joy.
And if Jesus Himself did not stay where truth was twisted, dignity was denied, and people were harmed—
Neither should you.
Nordia Ikner
Founder of The Sister Healing Circle
Speaker, /Seminar Presenter
